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An Open Letter To My Pretty Brown Eyed Angel: Volume I

Updated: Apr 3

Hey Cinema,

Angel, I like that term for you. You really were the nicest of them all. Anyway, I'm sorry we haven't spoken in a while. Things were insane, and then, things went really insane. Since you haven't visited (hey, what's up with that?), let me catch you up.

You know about the pandemic, don't you? It struck shortly after you left. It was like the entire world had a violent, tragic reaction to your passing, as if the human race couldn't function without you. We were locked down for nearly two years. It was a harrowing time. We scraped by fortunately, but it came with its own troubles. Hospitalizations, anxiety and withdrawal from everything one once loved. College was ruined, people lost jobs, people lost people. Apart from the distressing events though, I'm sure you would've appreciated the imposed homestay. We were always the homebodies.

Then came the career bit. That was some hardcore adulting. Still is. I don't think I've gotten it right yet. Imagine our two years in that hellhole. All that confusion, feeling lost and struggling with failure. Amplify that with a thousand? It's not all bad, don't get me wrong. Financial independence, coming into your own, taking charge of yourself. Feels great. It's a hit or miss most days. My mood depends on which way I'm swaying a particular morning.

Do I dare dive into the convoluted labyrinth that my love life is? I hear you had called it though. I wonder why you didn't talk to me about it. It started off simple, really. Didn't stay that way for long. it never does, does it? Painful like you wouldn't believe though. People describe heartache like falling through a trapdoor. An endless drop, plummeting into nothingness. I think I would've preferred that to this standstill that I'm consumed in. It's getting more and more difficult to buy the whole time is a healer schtick.

Our people are doing well for themselves. We don't particularly talk about it, it's still a little painful, but I know you're on everybody's mind now and then. I haven't kept in touch with your folks, I'm sorry. I couldn't face them four years ago, I can't face them today. I'm sure they don't think it, but there is absolutely no reason why I get to stick around and have a conversation with them when you cannot. So, I don't. Even as the words roll off me, I know they sound self-centered. I guess, some things don't change.

I wish I had been better back then. Regret is an eternal punishment. It's only fair, I'll take it. I miss you more than what my words can contain. Your smile still makes me smile. I still think a hug from you would make life more bearable. I'm still mad at you for leaving. I'd ask them if I could bring you back home, but I know they'd say it's for the best. That's okay. I know a physics nerd like you would appreciate the cross-dimensional communication.

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