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The Journey To Clemency

You know the best aspect of memories? They enable you to go back to a certain version of things. You know the worst? They enable you to go back to a certain version of things. If that snapshot of the past happens to be an ugly flash of remembrance that you tried to bury deep within yourself, its resurgence is capable of rolling you downhill from your current reality.

I blame Alphabet and its monopoly for this latest painful enlightenment. I ran out of storage space this morning, and resorted to cleaning up my files on the cloud. As I sat reading my emails from years ago, I found my interactions with some people I dearly love. These are people that I, unfortunately, did a great disservice to back in the day, and who have since decided to graciously forgive and accept me.

But, that wasn't enough. When is it ever? This mind of mine continually burdens itself with guilt, not letting up at any step of the way. I often find that the hardest thing to do is to absolve yourself of the wrongs committed, inadvertently or otherwise.

You can dole out apologies, and you can make amends. But, as it works out, I have identified only one act that aids the process of true vindication of the self. A tender conversation with a loved one, who implores you to be, at the very least, as kind to yourself as you would to them. If the person you trust to make good choices chooses you, knowing all that you have done, or haven't, you must be doing something right. I did always place more faith in my people than I did in myself.

Benignity is a conscious decision we take everyday. We only need to determine if we are deserving of the same tolerance that we extend to others. And I am trying to remind myself every day, that I might be a lot of things, but not unworthy.

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Grateful and more, yes, but fuck my life.


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