Faith Over Fear?
Lately, I have had a little trouble living in the present, for a lot of reasons, the primary one being the world grappling with one of the most grievous modern crises. So, I have been revisiting a simpler time, a happier time; back when I was still a child and Christmas parties meant a picnic in the colony garden instead of the current Secret Santa fad.
A pocket book from very long ago reminded me of a couple of my favorite mythological movies as a kid, ones that I had watched beyond count. As I was ransacking the drawers to find the CDs, I tried to remember the last time we used our DVD player; it was probably when the Pune Warriors still existed as a legitimate IPL team. So, I knew I'd have to 2021 this quest, and look up the movies on the Internet. After four hours of a double feature, I realized why they felt like home.
You see, as a child I was deeply devotional. It had nothing to do with orthodoxy, neither was I coerced into any practice. I simply loved the idea of sitting in front a exquisite marble temple every morning, chanting chants I didn't completely understand then. I remember, I used to collect lockets and amulets and rings as souvenirs from every holy visit, wearing all of them together some days. This piety was not restricted to any one sect, I enjoyed the peace and the history from every place of worship alike.
Plainly put, I had faith. I relied on something, and even though I didn't quite know what it was, I knew it transcended all of us. Life wasn't as challenging, and when it was, I had somebody to turn to, somebody who I genuinely believed was listening. I didn't rationalize my way through the world, I let the magic work its magic.
And why I felt so comforted by lousy computer animation from decades ago, why I always feel comforted when I turn back to the days past, is because I believed. And of late, the days have been increasingly difficult because I don't anymore. Losing loved ones, irreparably devastated relationships, paralyzing fear of the unknown; everyday, life chips away a little bit at the divine I was so profoundly in touch till a few years ago. It has been a painfully long journey of waiting for an answer from the mute sky.
But, when a few months ago, somebody asked me what I want most in life, I answered, keeping the magic alive. And so, I live on, holding on to faith, to love, to hope. But mostly, holding on to the little girl who taught me to let the Universe send its sparkle my way.