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The thing about festivals is that they're only conditionally enjoyable. Loved ones around, a certain sense of stability in life, and peace are among the major prerequisites, as I've come to realize. They don't all need to be ticked off the list, or even necessarily true in the broader context, as long as you are content with the situation in that moment.
I can't remember the last time I truly enjoyed an occasion. At some point in life, a switch flipped, and they all became either too wasteful, or polluting, or just hollow. I still do my little rituals - I fast and dress up and decorate and celebrate the holiday - but more often than not, it's a show I put on, more for myself than anybody else.
I have an endless list of things to practice gratitude for, so it mortifies me every time I can't seem to focus on them. I've long had a suspicion that some people simply aren't meant to be happy, and while that has been a frightening thought, it is at least a comforting hypothesis. It really is okay, not being okay. Maybe I'll talk about it tomorrow.
I guess it's like they say, scars make for the best stories.